Teens, Porn and Mental Health: Smith Alley’s Pathway to Recovery

This interview was recorded on July 13, 2022. Our founder, Kristen Jenson, interivewed Smith Alley. Smith is an 18 year old kid. After struggling with mental health and pornography for much of his early life, he decided to use his love for business to help people by starting his company, protechtstrong, and his nonprofit foundation, The Live Life Bigger Foundation. When he's not attending his billiards class at Utah State University, he's speaking to youth groups across the country, creating informative content for parents on social media, or thinking of creative ways to help more families thrive in a dark era. Transcription has been edited for clarity.

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‍KRISTEN: Hey everyone! I’m Kristen Jenson and I am really excited to have a wonderful guest with me today–Smith Alley. Smith is the founder of the Live Life Bigger Foundation and he also owns a company called PROTECHT Strong.

Smith, you’re not very old. How old are you?

‍SMITH: I’m 18, I just graduated high school in May.

‍KRISTEN: Awesome. But you’ve been doing this for a few years, haven’t you?

‍SMITH: Yeah, I started speaking just about two years ago in my sophomore year of high school and then it started to grow and I started Protecht Strong, my first company, the summer in between Sophomore and Junior year.

‍KRISTEN: That’s awesome. We definitely need more resources out there for parents.

Smith Alley's early exposure to pornography

‍KRISTEN: Let’s go back and tell me a little bit about your story so that our audience can get your background. Many of them may already be familiar with you. But what age were you exposed to pornography? How did you access it? How did you hide it from your parents? Give us some background about that. 

‍SMITH: I always say that my story starts with papercuts. The first day of first grade I walked into class, sat down, and when it was my turn to stand up and introduce myself, I had a stutter. My mom would say that it was cute, but I beg to differ. 

So I said, “H-h-h-h-h-hi m-m-m-m-m-my name’s Smith.” And I was just so angry and flustered–disappointed in myself–and I remember a girl from the red table turned around and asked me, “Why can’t you talk right?” 

So that’s where my emotional pain begins and I think that anyone who’s struggled with pornography or substance abuse in general can find their point and their core of their pain. So that’s a really important part of my story.

Then when I was nine years old, I clicked on a link that wasn’t what it appeared to be. I was just on a little tablet that I’d gotten for Christmas and I saw soft pornography for the first time. And my parents–we’d had the conversations about what to do when we saw pornography and I remembered them telling me to turn it off and tell an adult. 

I turned it off and I set this tablet down and I thought about that second part–tell an adult. And immediately in my mind I thought back to that kid in first grade who didn’t feel like he was good enough. I didn’t feel like I was good enough to have friends who cared about me or parents who were proud of me. 

I was scared that my parents would be disappointed or ashamed of me–even though it wasn’t my fault, even though I hadn’t gone seeking it out. And at that point I had this immense pressure to be the perfect son–I’m the only boy that my dad has. I always felt that I had to live up to that and I had to be a perfect one.

That fear and that feeling of not being good enough led me to the inability to feel like I could disclose what I had seen. Because I’d been taught that it was bad.

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Using pornography to deal with emotional pain

‍SMITH: That was just my first exposure. Nothing really came of it until about a year later when I started to use pornography regularly as a small fix to everything that I was feeling and dealing with. So it came back into my life. 

I got social media at the same time, which increased my use of pornography and it was at that point where the flood gates opened and I had ultimate access to basically anything that I wanted. 

And if I didn’t have access–if my parents had put on restrictions or filters–with me growing up in the digital era I knew how to get around them. I’ve always been very good at that and that’s what led me down my path of pornography consumption and [poor] mental health. 

Related: The Truth About Porn’s Impact on Childhood Mental Health

‍How Smith Alley turned his life around

‍SMITH: That journey came to an end in the 8th grade when I made a plan to take my life because I didn’t think that I was redeemable. It was at that point when my life started to turn around and I got on a different journey. One of my favorite quotes is, “We all have two lives and the second starts when we realize that we only have one.” So I always say that’s when my second life started. That’s when I realized that I only had one life and that I was going to turn it around.

We all have two lives and the second starts when we realize that we only have one.

‍KRISTEN: That’s wonderful and we’re glad you did! Because too many kids don’t and there are so many sad outcomes. How did you hide [your pornography use] from your parents? Was it pretty easy? And what was it that turned you around?

‍SMITH: It was very easy [to hide it from my parents]. It was very nerve-wracking, but I was always so careful about my search history, the tracks that I was leaving, where I had been, how much time in a single time I was spending watching porn because I didn’t want my parents to wonder where I was and come searching for me. I was very mentally aware about that and it was very easy to hide my tracks.

Never in my life until everything came to this big accumulation of scenarios, never did my parents find anything. You hear a lot of parents who found that their child was looking at something and maybe it’s just a girl in a bikini, but that wasn’t my parents. They hadn’t seen anything. I was very good at hiding my tracks. I was very good at covering my digital footprint and using different WiFi routers. I was always very good at that.

And then, like I said, I got to this point where I reached a demise with my mental health and I also got in trouble with the law. The police came and they called my parents. So that right there was like a kick in the butt. 

I remember not understanding and not really comprehending where my life was going to be able to go. And I was scared because up until that point I had been able to kind of live this double-sided life. And I’d done it very well. I was at times severely depressed, thinking about suicide, dealing with pornography, watching pornography, and on the other side I was the kid at school who said hi to everyone in the halls and was a student body officer and was very good at sports. 

Other parents would always compliment my parents about my character. For a long time I was able to live this double-sided life and it was at that point that I couldn’t anymore. And I realized that. And I wanted to get back onto that path of the character that I was–the smiley kid I had been growing up. 

Related: Sex Addiction Expert Explains Why Good Kids Get Pulled Into Porn

But I didn’t  know if that was available to me. I didn’t know if it was available to me to come and be redeemed. I always talk about this quote: “How far can you go down the wrong path before you can’t get back onto the right one?” 

So at this pivotal moment in my life I was just laying in my bed one night wondering where my life was going to go. It was the same day the cops had contacted my parents. And my mom came down to my room and she grabbed my face and she said, “Smith, I will fight for you. But you have to fight for yourself first.”

I will fight for you. But you have to fight for yourself first.

It was at that moment I just decided–she obviously hasn’t given up on me when I thought that she would. My family–my dad, my siblings, they hadn’t given up on me when I thought that they would. I thought that I’d gone too far and they showed me that I hadn’t. And so it was there that I said, “Alright. Let’s do this.” And I started to fight. I started to turn my life around.

‍KRISTEN: I’ve talked to other people who have done the same things–lived this double life. On the one hand they were this model citizen, this person that turned away from anything the least bit pornographic. They wanted people to think of them in a certain way, but they really were looking at pornography, so you’re not the only one who has done that. 

‍Related: Helping the Kid Who Doesn’t Want Help

Teaching kids you will always be there for them with the No Trouble Bubble

‍KRISTEN: [Another] thing I noticed is that you thought your parents would have given up on you, but they hadn’t. They wouldn’t. They wanted to fight for you and be there for you. I just wish there was some way parents could know how important that is, but also–how can we teach kids that we are there for them and that we will love them and help them despite the mistakes? That seems to be a really important message to get across to kids. Because how is it that you thought that, when it wasn’t really true?

‍SMITH: I think this is a super big thing. I always say there are two parts to creating a safe and a strong household. The first part is creating healthy tech habits and a safe-proofed tech house–setting up the actual hardware, software, the actual things that you put into place to keep your family safe. 

The second part of that is to open up honest communication, to open up discussions. A big part of this is that parents don’t realize that they aren’t modeling the behavior that they want to act on. Kid comes home from school, got a bad grade on a math test, gets a C+, C-, D+. And when the parents find out, they yell at them. They ground them. They’re not allowed to hang out with friends. All they’re going to do is math. And that’s a very little mistake. In the grand scheme of things, how much does that math class really matter? As a kid, we tend to take that example and say, “Ok this is a little thing. If my parents got mad at me for this little thing, that’s going to extrapolate over a big thing.”

KRISTEN: And how much worse will it be when they find out that I’ve been looking at pornography or whatever else?

‍SMITH: Exactly. And so we have to use the same behavior for every single mistake. We have to use the same thing. Which is why we do the “No Trouble Bubble.” And this is something that can be used for anything. The “No Trouble Bubble” is great for multiple reasons.

The first one is that it gives parents time to react, time to think, and a script. So a kid comes to their parents and says, “Hey mom, hey dad. Can we talk in the no trouble bubble?” And they say, “Yeah.” So the first thing is they’re giving you a warning that they’re about to tell you about one of their mistakes. You might not know how big or small it is. You have about 45 seconds until you get to that safe space–the “No Trouble Bubble”--that you can breathe, collect yourself, remember your script.

Now when you get there, no matter what they tell you, it could be something small like a failed math test. It could be something bigger like they’ve been viewing pornography or they’re struggling with depression, thinking about suicide. That’s when you have your script. And these are the only things that you can say or do in the “No Trouble Bubble”: 

You tell them that you love them. You give them an eight second hug. And then you ask them how you can best support them in becoming the best version of themselves. After those three things the conversation is over. You might continue to hug them, just listen to them. But that’s it.

Because how many times as a parent does the situation go like this–they tell you something and immediately you react. You either give a consequence or you say something that you wish you wouldn’t have. And then maybe the next day you’re thinking back to how that happened and you think “I really wish I would have said that differently.” Or maybe you get in bed that night with a spouse and you tell them about what happened and how you reacted and they’re like, “Did you really say that? You’re crazy!” Or maybe you get on the internet and you find out that the way that you reacted or the consequence that you gave is the thing that’s not going to help them on their path to recovery.

‍Related: 6 Mistakes Parents Make When They Learn Their Kid is Watching Porn

So with the “No Trouble Bubble” you have your script, you say that. Then the next day is when you can talk about the consequences, when you can talk about whatever reactionary thing is happening. That gives you the opportunity to think about it, relax. Just sleep. It gives you the opportunity to talk to a spouse or a friend about what happened. It gives you the opportunity to go online and research the best ways to fix whatever just happened in your household.

‍KRISTEN: Is there a “Do-over Bubble?”

‍SMITH: There should be, right?

‍KRISTEN: There should be a “Do-over Bubble.” You can find some cute way to say that. Because the “No Trouble Bubble” is very memorable, so we’re going to all remember the “No Trouble Bubble.” 

‍Related: I Blew Up At My Kid!!! 5 Steps to Heal Your Relationship When You React Badly

We have a resource at Defend Young Minds which is called My Kid Saw Porn–Now What? A  SMART Plan for Parents. The first step is Stay Calm. And I always tell parents, you don’t even have to engage when you find something out–especially when you find out your child is watching pornography or someone has shown them pornography. There’s no reason that you have to react right then and there. 

Because this problem may have been going on for a while–you’ve just got to give yourself either 24 hours or 72 hours to do exactly what you just said–think about it, talk to a friend or spouse. The next part of our SMART Plan is Make a Plan. And we give questions and other resources. 

I love the fact that the No Trouble Bubble emphasizes that the initial reaction should be one of love and acceptance–this doesn’t change our relationship. And I’m not seeing you as the enemy, I’m seeing porn as the enemy–or whatever else it is. Not you.

‍SMITH: That’s the benefit that comes from being a kid, right? That initial reaction is love, and I’ve seen over and over in my life when I’m reacted to from a mistake first by love, it’s going to be 100 times easier to take that mistake, fix it, and even turn it into a success. Whereas, when I make a mistake, I’m already down on myself. I’m already mad at myself. I don’t need anyone else to be mad at me, too. 

When I make a mistake, I’m already down on myself. I’m already mad at myself. I don’t need anyone else to be mad at me, too. 

I’ll share a perfect example of this–just something small. We talked about that math grade–that was me this year. My first semester of senior year, I was taking a college math class–1010. And I did okay during the course and then on my final, I just didn’t study at all. I was so busy with work and I got a 58.625%. I was so scared to tell my mom, because I was barely passing the course with this new test. So I go home and I’m thinking I’ve got to tell her now before she gets an email about it. 

So I said, “Mom, can we go talk in the “No Trouble Bubble”? She said, “Yeah, of course.” So we head up there and I tell her, “I got a 58% on my math final.” And you can see her start to get mad and then she just took a breath and relaxed. She said, “I love you.” She gave me a hug and she said, “How can I support you in becoming the best version of yourself?” And that was such a testament to how amazing this whole strategy is. Because it really does help kids to feel the initial love. Because I was already down on myself. I was already mad that I got that score. She didn’t need to be. So when she reacted with love that really helped the whole situation.

‍KRISTEN: When I was in college I had a part-time job and for a variety of reasons, some of which were not my fault, I got fired. And I was just crushed. I’m a responsible person. This had never happened to me before. And I called my mom because this was going to impact me financially. I was needing that paycheck. I called her and told her. And she said, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I remember when I got fired.” She had gotten fired from a job when she was in high school for whatever reason, and I never knew that. But it was a relief, she wasn’t mad at me and she was empathetic. Because you’re right, I was already horrified. 

I loved how you said the little things matter. How you respond with the little things will set you up for your child to be more open with you for the bigger things. So you’re building this foundation from a young age. That is brilliant.

Social media and pornography

‍KRISTEN: Let’s go back for a minute. You said your parents had told you that porn was bad, turn away from it, go tell an adult. So they had done some kind of preparation. And I understand why you might not have turned to them because you felt this shame. I’ve heard that a lot. So what would’ve helped you? Is there anything you can think of that would’ve helped you resist porn at age ten? And let me clarify–you got on social media at age ten?

‍SMITH: Yes.

‍KRISTEN: Ok. I personally would warn parents to not let ten year olds get on social media. That’s a lot to put on a kid–it’s too much access to the world and the world has too much access to your kid.

‍SMITH: Definitely. I think it also goes back to the “No Trouble Bubble”--reacting to the little things, because my parents didn’t react to the little things well. I think that’s a big thing, they could have reacted better. If we’d had the “No Trouble Bubble” before I think that I would’ve been more open to talking about the big things. 

And then, especially the social media aspect. At first, I just had Instagram on my mom’s phone. That’s what I got first. But then I told my parents that my mom had Pinterest, my sisters had Pinterest, it was just a way to look at yummy food boards. But at the time Pinterest was the biggest social media platform where people consumed pornography.

At the time Pinterest was the biggest social media platform where people consumed pornography.

‍KRISTEN: And you wouldn’t think that.

‍SMITH: They didn’t think that, right? Because they’d just go on and see cute clothes and cute home designs and food. So that was a big thing–people don’t really think of Pinterest as social media. But it is. And it’s a huge access to pornography. Even things you don’t think of as the main social media–like Instagram, Facebook, Tik Tok and Snapchat–we don’t think of these other apps that we use that still have untethered access to all of these things.

So I think that is something else–they just weren’t aware of what was on there. They weren’t aware of what that meant. So that was a big downfall as well is that parents have to be aware of what stuff is on certain apps so that they know whether or not it is safe for their kid at any age.

Prevention

KRISTEN: Right. So what advice can you give parents for prevention? We’ve talked about the problem. You did tell us some solutions, which is awesome. But what can parents do for prevention?  How early should they start? And secondly, I want to talk about the emotional harm that you feel pornography can do to a child, a person. And how can you convince kids that they will be happier, healthier, and have a much better sense of being if they keep pornography out of their lives?

So let’s start with prevention. What can parents do? What’s your best advice? When we say prevention, we’re not saying that your kid will never see porn. What we’re saying is your kid will know and behave in a way that porn will not harm them and become a significant part of their lives.

‍SMITH: I think, again, practicing those conversations with the “No Trouble Bubble” is a great intervention, even just about the little things before [something bigger comes up]. So that’s a big one. 

Again, the second part which I think is the most proactive prevention step is creating a tech safe and healthy home with media habits and family tech contracts and setting up your software and your hardware. But also trying to limit screen time at a young age. I always put in tech contracts and media goals that screen time and technology is not used for entertainment, it’s used for utility. We use it as a tool, not just to entertain ourselves when we’re bored. I think those are all great prevention tips. 

Technology is not used for entertainment, it’s used for utility.

‍Related: 5 Easy Tricks to Manage Screen Time and Get a Happier Family, Too

We just continue to see the age of exposure going younger and younger, so we actually list Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr. as a great resource on our website and we suggest that parents start talking about that anywhere from 4-6 years old so that they’re ready when they get to the average age of exposure–[which is] seven. So that they already know the concepts. And by then you should have already had the “No Trouble Bubble” set up for years so that they feel safe having conversations about anything. “I stole my sister’s toy.” “I love you. Here’s a hug. How can I support you?” 

I think those things have to all work in harmony, but we really can’t start young enough with these conversations anymore. There’s no threshold of when you should start having these conversations–because they’re being had online, they’re being had at school, they’re being had everywhere that you can think–family outings with older cousins. So you really can’t start young enough, but we always say four to six, anywhere in there that you feel is right for your child, start reading Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr.

And then move on and continue to have the conversations. That’s the big thing–continue to have the conversations.

We really can’t start young enough with these conversations anymore.

‍KRISTEN: Absolutely.

Using pornography to deal with emotional distress

‍KRISTEN: Let’s talk a little bit about emotional strength and emotional resilience and how you used pornography to deal with some of the inner pain that you were feeling because of your stuttering and because you were teased. Lots of kids have lots of different issues. So how did porn harm you as far as your mental health? And how can you convince a kid that they will be happier without porn?

‍SMITH: I think as I’ve worked with a lot of young men and young women about this, I think that most kids know that porn continues to make them feel unhappy. But they don’t know any other way to deal with the emotional baggage that they’re carrying. They see it as a medication. And if they get off the medication they die, but the medication is addicting them and it’s making their mental health worse. We’ve seen that with a lot of things, but I really don’t think that there’s a large group of young kids that feel happier with pornography. I think they understand that it feels empty. 

And that’s the hardest part–you don’t want to step away because all those feelings that you’ve worked so hard not to deal with, you’ll have to deal with them. And then it goes back to that other part–you have to understand and you have to accept that everything that your parents taught you not to do, you’ve been doing. And that’s hard to accept. Especially as teenagers. We tend to have a very high ego that isn’t backed with a lot of confidence. We want to be something that we’re not. So it’s really hard to admit those things. It’s really hard to confess.

So I think the best thing to do first of all is find a community. Telling just one person. I remember DMing Fight the New Drug on Instagram and telling them that I was struggling. So I think that can be a big thing for kids. 

For me the emotional damage was tremendous. Obviously it led me to the brink of death. And that pain of knowing that because of what you’re doing you feel insufficient and you feel like a bad person. But not knowing whether or not you can deal with the emotional baggage that you’re trying to fix. You’re stuck with the choice of two super hard roads. And then you pile on the fact that if you confess and if you deal with those feelings that you’ve been feeling, then you’re going to pile on parent disappointment, being shunned by your family. 

And even though a lot of times those things aren’t realistic–you come out about this and tell your parents and they often don’t shun you, it’s still an expectation that you have in your head because of–again–the little things that they get mad at you for. And so I think in that scenario, it’s a choice between two really hard paths. So my advice is just choose the harder road, because that’s what’s worth it. And continuing in whatever pit of misery you’re in, is just going to lead you down to a place that you can’t get back from.

‍KRISTEN: Yeah. I think that this emotional resilience piece is important. When we put out a poll to our audience at Defend Young Minds, we have received time and time again that parents are very interested in how to raise emotionally resilient children. I’m really glad to see that. 

When I speak, I have a presentation called The Four Pillars of Prevention: A Comprehensive Approach to Protecting Children from Pornography. It inlcudes talking to your kids about sex earlier and in healthier ways. It includes emotional resilience so kids know how to deal with their negative emotions and they have options–like you say instead of going to porn or substances. And of course tech accountability and the brain and body safety, which is so important. So it’s not just one thing, there’s no silver bullet. It’s got to be a comprehensive parenting approach, because it’s a comprehensive kind of problem that manifests itself when a child gets involved in pornography.

‍Related: Screen Time and Mental Health: Simple Life Hacks for Raising Resilient Kids

Where to find more from Smith Alley

‍KRISTEN: You’ve given us a lot of important things to think about. Tell everyone where they can find you. 

‍SMITH: You can find me on Instagram @live.life.bigger or Facebook the Live Life Bigger Foundation and our website is www.livelifebigger.org.

‍KRISTEN: Alright–so check out Smith Alley. I’m sure he’s got lots more to share. Thank you so much for your time coming on with us. The “No Trouble Bubble” is awesome because when a kid can get up the courage to ask to be in the “No Trouble Bubble” that’s when they need encouragement. When you think of the word ‘encourage’ it’s en- courage–it’s to give courage. And kids need courage, that’s for sure. And they need encouragement. Thank you so much, Smith.

‍SMITH: Thank you for having me.