Mom Guilt? 8 Tips to Overcome Shame When Your Child Sees Porn

This is a guest post by Barb Winters at hopefulmom.net. Read full bio below.

My husband and I were on a walk enjoying the beautiful weather when we saw our son on our front lawn jumping up and down, motioning us to come home quickly. He was visibly distraught. When we reached him, he began spilling his traumatic situation.

“I was watching porn and . . .” I saw my fourteen-year-old son’s mouth moving but couldn’t believe the words escaping it. My brain couldn’t comprehend the situation. 

“What?! What did you say?”

I felt sick. Did he just say he was watching porn? We were standing in our yard surrounded by green grass, blue skies, and vibrant flowers. But my world was going dark.

In the hour that followed, I would learn my son had watched pornography periodically for the past year. He confessed because someone was extorting him. A warning had popped up on his screen while he was watching porn, provoking him to tell his dad and me.

That conversation opened my eyes to an underground world I didn’t know existed and prompted us to add filters to devices and update rules that were apparently too lenient. But it wasn’t the end of my son’s pornography use. A year and a half later, at age sixteen, he confessed again. This time he disclosed the full story. He had been watching pornography since he was nine or ten and was addicted.

Between those two confessions and for several years afterward, my husband and I walked through his problems and the ramifications that spilled over into our lives, alone. I only confided in one out-of-state friend, unable to reveal this secret to other friends or family. 

While we scrambled to help our son, I experienced all the emotions—anger, sadness, pain, shame, and guilt. I desperately needed help but couldn’t find it. I longed for another mom who had been in my position to put her arms around me and let me cry, shout, and process. But I didn’t find one—mostly because I was too ashamed to talk about it. 

Mom guilt takes root

It didn’t take long for mom guilt to take up residence in my world. I had heard that pornography existed online and talked with my children about it—briefly. We were a Christian homeschool family. Our children knew right from wrong. We had explained the purpose of sex and how it was to be within the confines of a marriage. They agreed. I trusted them. I thought “not my kids” because they know better.

But I was wrong. And I felt guilty for not seeing it. For not putting proper guardrails in place. For not knowing how my son’s electronics worked. For not understanding my son, his curious nature, his need for fulfillment, and his bent toward an addiction. 

I felt guilty for not noticing the signs that something was amiss, that he was watching pornography. And the more I researched, the more guilt I felt for not understanding pornography’s role in today’s society. I bore the weight of this responsibility and wore mom guilt as a result.

Related: Sex Addiction Expert Explains Why Good Kids Get Pulled Into Porn

Freedom from mom guilt

Maybe you’ve learned your child has seen pornography. Maybe a friend showed them. Maybe they were curious and went looking. Maybe a pornographic photo or video popped onto their feed. And you feel guilty. 

Or maybe you’ve learned your child is addicted to pornography and you’re wondering what to do next. And while you’re struggling to help your child find freedom from their addiction, you’re trying to find freedom from your mom guilt. 

I want you to know you are not alone. And I’d like to offer some information I learned through my journey.

1. You’re not a bad mom

A few years after I learned of my son’s indiscretions, a friend called me about her son. He had been watching pornography. Her wound was raw and I detected signs of defeat in her voice. I told her, “You are not a bad mom.” I heard relief from the other end of the phone.

Mom, if you’re measuring your worth and value by your son’s or daughter’s accomplishments or failures, you will never be good enough. We are human. We make mistakes. And, contrary to popular belief, we don’t have eyes in the back of our heads. We cannot know every little thing our children are up to. Thankfully, we are not defined by our children—their personality traits or their choices. 

The best we can do is face each problem as it presents itself and learn from it. 

2. It’s not personal

We’re under the false impression that our children make logical, thought-out, rational decisions. We assume they contemplate a situation, heed our advice regarding its dangers, and make their choices accordingly. If they dive into unhealthy behavior, we picture them purposefully plotting against us—choosing to turn their backs on us just to hurt us. 

In reality, their decisions have nothing to do with us. Our children make impulsive decisions based on curiosity, peer pressure, and gut instinct. Then, once they’ve been sucked into the behavior, their cravings take over. Their choices are not a personal attack. 

3. Take a breath

I work for a non-profit teaching 8th and 9th graders how to avoid risky behaviors and make healthy choices. We caution them not to allow their emotions to dictate their behaviors. When emotions are screaming, give them space. Allow the incessant feeling to settle and put the thinking part of the brain—the engine, the part that makes rational decisions—back in charge before acting.

We can learn from this lesson. When we detect mom guilt pressing in, tempting us to spiral into depression or make an irrational decision, we can pause and allow it some space. Breathe. Offer yourself grace. Wait until the emotions settle before proceeding.

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4. Acknowledge your faults

Moms, we fail. And that’s okay. Rather than striving to be perfect, let’s strive for excellence. And when we fall short? Accept it, and own it. 

I asked my son to forgive me for not understanding how his electronics worked. I told him I should have protected him better by putting filters on his devices and educating him on the dangers of pornography. I couldn’t change the past, but I could work on the relationship by admitting the areas in which I failed. 

Apologizing and acknowledging our faults, mistakes, and poor choices is not a sign of weakness. It’s a strength—one we hope rubs off on our children as they mature. But after we confess, we have to leave it in the past. Release it. 

5. Let go of false guilt

I had been ignorant, but my son made his own choices. And he had more choices to make. I could not walk around with false guilt hanging over my head. He made decisions that were his alone, and he needed to take responsibility for his part.

While we’re laying blame, let’s take a long look at the pornography industry and its motives. This multi-billion-dollar industry preys on children, knowing if they successfully attract a customer in their teens, they will likely have a consumer for life. They’re not concerned about anyone’s well-being. Their goal is to make money. Period. When we remember the porn industry is targeting our children, we can place guilt where it belongs.

6. We can’t change our children

We sometimes believe we can control our environment and everyone around us. When our children are infants and toddlers, they rely heavily on us, physically and intellectually. We decide what clothes they wear, what food they eat, and which friends they interact with. We protect them from bumping their heads and falling down the stairs. 

But as they age, we slowly transfer responsibility to them. Yes, we still protect them as much as we can, but part of allowing our children to mature is mentally releasing the consequences of their behavior and recognizing we cannot do the work for them. And that means watching them struggle through challenges and ramifications.

We can’t change our children. We can’t want it for them. That desire must be intrinsic, come from within. 

When we embrace these truths, a weight lifts from our shoulders, and we are in a better position to come alongside them and help them.

7. Talk about it

Gone are the days of waiting until puberty, having “the talk,” and letting nature take its course. It’s imperative we open our mouths and discuss these previously taboo topics, like sex, sending nudes, online grooming, and pornography. Have these difficult conversations early and often. The more we discuss them, the easier it becomes. 

It’s never too late. Even after we’ve discovered a child has been watching pornography, we can educate ourselves on the dangers and insert the topic into ongoing conversations with our children. When we expose these previously forbidden matters to the light, bring the subjects into the open, they lose their power. Typically, children are relieved to know they have an ally, a parent willing to talk about these issues and help them through their problems. 

Ongoing conversations empower our children to say “no” to pornography and “yes” to healthier choices.

8. Keep going

We desire what’s best for our children. We want them to be successful and thrive. That’s why we’re distressed when they hurt or make poor choices. That’s why mom guilt exists. Thankfully, it’s not permanent. We don’t have to let guilt and shame win. 

I encourage you to take ownership of your part and then release it. Allow others to take responsibility for their portion. See your child as a work in progress, accepting their need to struggle through their problems. But be available and walk with them. 

As you continue parenting, take care of yourself. Fulfill your needs. Exercise. Eat well. Sleep through the night. Find a friend. And get up when you fall. Your children need you. They are worth the time and effort. They are priceless. And so are you. You can do this.

Healing conversations

Here are some tips for starting healing conversations with a child who has been exposed to pornography:

Talking points:

• Think of a time you didn’t handle a conversation well and apologize to your child for your reaction.
• Remind your child you love them unconditionally–watching pornography doesn’t change that.

Related: I Blew Up At My Kid!!! 5 Steps to Heal Your Relationship When You React Badly

Questions to ask your child

• When was a time you felt uncomfortable because someone was talking about an embarrassing subject or showed you an inappropriate image?
• Do you think you handled the situation well? What would you do differently in the future?
• How can I best help you to make positive choices in the future?

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